Yesterday I ran an introspective workshop on meditation, mindfulness and intention setting that was attended by some fantastic teachers and wonderful friends. We focused on transition, which is ripe with personal and emotional material, and especially prevalent in an international community, but really fundamental to life struggles in general. We sat in silence, looked for unconscious influences, shared our stories and worked towards clarity on what we most need in our lives at this moment.
Now, one day later, I am still watching the battle for self love and self doubt play out in my mind. How did I really do? Why did I say it that way? What if I left people wanting, or worse? Was my scaffolding clear enough? Did I get to the heart of the matter? It’s a fascinating, tumultuous and invisible war and at times, when one side threatens to win a particular battle or takes a firm stand, it’s rather dramatic. It’s a war I am determined to make peace with before any feedback rolls in. That feels important for a whole other battle.
Do you ever ‘workshop’ your lesson plans or life plans in this way? It’s useful to reflect, though less useful to doubt, and they can be hard to separate. Just like, it’s good to put your heart into something, but not always easy to let it rest when it’s done.
Ironically, one of the most challenging parts of the workshop was transitioning from looking at subconscious influences on our behaviour to setting an intention for going forward. Which makes sense, perhaps, since I wanted to teach about transition because I have such a challenging time with it. Transitioning to being a mom is a crazy journey, outwardly and inwardly. And, transitioning to a new kind of teaching is a wild ride, too. So, sitting with the struggle yesterday, mine and the participants’, allowing it to be a little off, a little hard, a little strange, a little uncertain…. well, that was progress. And maybe I am finally starting to understand that progress doesn’t always look like exactly how I think it will, or ought to.
“You always teach what you most want to learn.
You are your own worst student.”
Have you found truth to this in your teaching life as well?
In the end, a ceasefire can be brokered in my overstimulated mind when I remember that my intention for my intention workshop was to learn about myself, and to practice self acceptance. So higher standards aside, as long as I did that then it was all worth it.
3/11 – #SOL18