Just As I Am

I run.

And as I run I think.

I think about my brother, my mother, my old instructor, my students, my partner, my baby, my future, my past. I think how these thoughts race around, and about how I will get rid of them, and how I need to get rid of them, how I need to be different.

And as I think I feel.

I feel my heart beating faster from the action and the thoughts, the need to do more and better, the fear that it’s not enough, that I am not enough. I feel my knees bearing weight they’re unpracticed bearing. I feel afraid of the clutter, the worry, the never enough.

I feel the pavement beating against my feet like music with the base turned up loud enough to jog the mind away from all the thinking and be

Still.

I breathe.

And as I breathe I try to remember everything I have to do and then I try to forget everything that has to be done and that I ever tried to remember at all.

I stop.

I stretch.

The muscles send their aching signals to my brain and I wonder if it will feel different again, if I’ll be able to run for longer, if I’ll ever be as strong as I was before. I’m halfway home so I just keep going.

I feel.

The pavement shifts beneath my feet. Downhill toes assisted in their march forward by the gentle slope nudging them along suddenly meet the pavement one moment sooner; calves stretch a little farther; heels drop a little lower; my steps shorten and my breathing slows.

I feel

Stronger. If I let them shift, the thoughts and feelings move through my body and release, joining the leaves in the trees and the dust in the wind and I am left with knowing that I am stronger than before, although I cannot run as far, and I cannot do as much in one day but I can be still for longer periods. Like writing stamina, I have built my stillness stamina and that is a lot.

I revel in the space around me, and inside of me. I realize I feel proud that I felt this need, to be out here, to be moving in space, to be free of sitting and thinking and trying and just be. Here. Moving.

I run.

I run because I am perfect already, perfectly learning to run again, perfectly learning to let go and to move through worry, pain and fear instead of avoiding it.

I run because I am just as I am and will only ever be, but I have forgotten that again. And the forgetting is perfect, too, but without it this beautiful run may not have happened.

 

3/1 – #SOL18

7 Comments Add yours

  1. mrsday75 says:

    Welcome to the slicer community! I loved the feel of this post and how you think and feel as you run. And I absolutely loved this line, “I run because I am perfect already, perfectly learning to run again, perfectly learning to let go and to move through worry, pain and fear instead of avoiding it.” Perfectly learning… love it

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pat Holloway says:

    Welcome to this community. Your post inspires me to run, I want my thoughts and feelings to join the leaves in the trees and the dust in the wind! Beautiful words.

    Like

  3. mkrueger says:

    Welcome!! I love this slice. I can definitely relate to some of those feelings while running. You took me to those moments in my runs.

    Like

  4. Judy C. says:

    A beautiful slice with so much feeling. Writing is like running – learning to let go and just put words to paper. Looking forward to many more slices. Welcome to this community. I see that you are living in Guatemala. I have been going to Guatemala on mission/build trips for the past five years. October will be my 6th. A beautiful country and wonderful people. Happy writing!

    Like

  5. Hi Mel! I am so excited you joined me on this journey. I love your first post. This line early on “I think how these thoughts race around, and about how I will get rid of them, and how I need to get rid of them, how I need to be different.” felt so relatable to me. I almost said out loud “yeah exactly!” because I know just how that feels.

    Like

  6. ureadiread says:

    I could feel the rhythm of your feet pounding through your words. Welcome to the SOL community.

    Like

  7. jee young says:

    I like the flow of how you transition from the two word sentences to the longer sentences! I am reminded that I need to start running again. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship for me.

    Like

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